


life sucks when there's no cuddles.

by the_sunshine_dims



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders wants affection, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I honestly dont know what to tag, Miscommunication, Moceit - Freeform, Morality | Patton Sanders wants affection, Overworking Morality | Patton Sanders, Platonic Moceit - Freeform, Platonic Relationships, Repression, Yearning, also if i need to tag anything please tell me, becuase my brain train is going eight million miles an hour, end fic fluff, eventual hurt/comfort, kind of, possible secondhand embarrassment warning, these tags are a mess, touch starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:21:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27253351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_sunshine_dims/pseuds/the_sunshine_dims
Summary: Janus honestly didn’t really realize he had become touch starved, but when he realizes he just starts yearning for affection becuase of self projection,enjoy
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 7
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> my friend suggested the name and i love it so that's the fic's name, and while its not as serious, its still just so amazing and i would die for my friend

Janus honestly didn’t really realize he had become touch starved.

he had always heard it was like your skin feels like fire or just warmth where people touch you whenever they touch you, and- well that never happened, and Virgil- well before virgil had become accepted and was still living with them when he did open up he also talked about how it was kinda instant sometimes overwhelming warmth, and Janus just went on from then and assumed he wasn’t touch starved.

_ After all _ at first he thought the lack of that warmth was just because he was a side but apparently that just.. wasn’t it, and so he assumed he just wasn’t touch starved despite getting maybe one hug every nine months except for on very special occasions for if he was lucky enough and a side was excited and happy enough to give Janus almost three hugs in one day.

And well.. after the video where Patton realized he shouldn’t be repressing Janus, Patton had been a lot more affectionate with him to seemingly make it up up to him, giving him hugs and ruffling his hair, and he always slightly freezes up unless he was making sure  _ not  _ to.

And he’s happy and actually pretty content to get so much affection, but then there’s maybe- a week? That Patton and The rest are away holed up in their rooms because Thomas has a small problem and their trying to make sure it stays small and doesn't get bigger and hurt Thomas and they have other work to do as well so their just kinda gone, and during that week without the affection he realizes that he misses it so much more than he thought he would and had been relying on it much more then he realized, and once he got the affection he desperately didn’t want to go back to getting nearly no hugs or cuddles or-  _ anything  _ in a long span of time again, and that’s when he realized that that’s probably not normal to dread that so deeply.

And he knows they’ll come back, it’s not like Patton’s going to leave forever- oh wasn’t that a thought that haunted him though,  _ what if Patton decided he stopped wanting to give Janus a chance and instead just stopped _ , still be so affectionate to everyone else but just.. not to Janus, and he would understand but he wouldn’t be able to cope, he wasn’t able to take long hot showers because he just doesn’t feel that instant fiery warmth at being giving a hug so it just doesn’t help, and while Patton was warm, hot showers were not soft and comforting like Patton's hugs were and they just couldn't compare.

If Patton did just stop though.. He’d just have to Long for him to be a part of their group- which he has to say he has explicitly never done, he has never seen the small little gestures they give to each other that are just filled with such soft affection and even before they were trying to accept him he didn’t gaze just a second or two too long before just looking away and getting the thing he needed. he will repeat, he has never done that, because why would he-

He sighs as he sits miserably on the couch, looking through movies to put on loudly since no one will care enough to try and stop him so he might as well do stuff he wouldn’t be able to normally, like actually dress in a onesie for a movie- well he still hasn’t and isn’t going to do that, despite being able to he doesn’t want someone to see him in a onesie if they do by odd chance come out to get food.

That’d be incredibly embarrassing and he would rather not have someone laugh at him for his favorite onesie being a green snake onesie thank you very much.

Still it sucked, he was bored and had nothing to keep his thoughts from going to the nice little offers of affection Patton’s given him, he knew that the others didn’t want thomas to lie for this but could they just of given him a couple small tasks that may not even be related to it so he has something to do and his mind isn’t constantly wandering back to the yearning train of thought that just wants hugs and affection because he hasn’t had it in such a long time before like a month or two prior- 

He groans and throws back his head, miserable, and he adamantly refuses to go to Patton's door and ask if he could just quietly lean against Patton's side or something as he worked because he didn’t want to admit that is something he wanted- or needed? He didn’t know, but he didn’t want to admit he even thought about it.

He may have been self preservation but he was that for Thomas, no one ever said he was his own self preservation.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay once i finish this series i'm probably ganna go on a small writing hiatus becuase i'm losing motivatation, but, i shall make sure to finish the small series beforehand, and hopefully when i come back i can work on the taking care series, becuase i kind of just forgot about that one.
> 
> anyway this is long, hope ya'll enjoy

Patton rubbed his eyes tiredly as he woke up, his head was lazily resting on his arms which ended up resting on his desk due to an impromptu nap. he was happy and proud he had been very productive for thomas, But he was still pretty tired because pro tip falling asleep on you desk sucks, especially after working (in his opinion) quite a lot so his limbs already were tired from writing stuff down, and he intended to ask someone if he could have a cuddle pile and potentially watch a movie with them because he wanted to rest somewhere and with someone comfortably, he didn't want to just fall asleep on his bed, he was happier being around people he liked, and also, his room felt all stiff and boring right now, and while it was probably since he had been working seriously, he still didn't like it and didn't want to remain in it.

He paused his thoughts before trying to decide who he was gonna ask for affection, wanting to decide before standing up. maybe virgil? Virgil was nice and especially after the stressing week he needed to rest-  _ but _ he was touch adverse a lot of the time after stress inducing things.

Logan? He was nice and just kinda let Patton lounge on him and he was comfy and allowed Patton to play with his hair sometimes as long as it was quiet enough for him to read as patton did so, but.. same with virgil he was rather touch adverse a lot of the time after stressful stuff.

Roman was left, he loved roman, he was nice and Patton got to hear him talk about his projects and Disney stuff and just stuff he was excited about and it was so nice and he got to lay in Roman’s lap.. but of course Roman most of the time goes on quests after a stressful time or if he just had to stay in the same place too long and he wants to stretch, so definitely not free since he wouldn’t even be in his room and he’s out in the imagination.

And he doesn’t really want to ask Remus because In the nicest way possible he’s not the most comfortable with him, at least not yet, and he doesn’t want to bother Janus- but oh wait Janus might be free! And he hasn't seen him in a while, so maybe janus would be willing to hang out with him?

He cheers up instantaneously from the disappointment of not being able to ask the others before realizing that Janus always seemed really stiff in hugs and he seemed he might've been a little uncomfortable when sleepy patton made grabby hands for him to cuddle, so maybe he doesn’t like physical affection- but! He could still.. possibly ask him if he wanted to watch a movie and hang out with him, and that way he won’t feel uncomfortable in a hug or anything and Patton still gets company from the people he enjoys, and later once Logan and the others are all rested up maybe he can plan a proper movie night for everyone! And he could hang out with Janus again and his other friends and he could get all the love, at least if they're comfortable with that.

He happily stands up before sinking out to the outside of janus’s room, after a moment he knocked happily and after another moment or two, a kind of tired, apprehensive looking Janus opened the door.

Patton smiled, if tiredly, but he made sure to muster up all his energy before speaking, “heyo kiddo! would you want to watch a movie with me? You can choose which movie we watch!” He told him. fighting back a yawn, he had a vague suspicion that he wouldn’t make it through the whole movie before falling asleep.

Janus seemed to be thinking about it before he went “what about the others?” in his honeyed but for some reason tiniest bit nervous voice,

Patton shrugged “I don’t think they’d be able to, but it doesn't really matter, I like hanging out with you and it gives me an opportunity to, so I’m happy!” Patton grinned again.

Janus nodded “..okay, if you want me to, I’ll come.” He told him, and normally Janus didn’t seem this nervous, did something happen while they were all holed away? He hoped Janus wasn’t sad!

Patton smiled though at Janus's response and resisted grabbing Janus's hand, after all Janus appeared to possibly be uncomfortable with the little gestures and he didn’t want to overwhelm or upset him, so he just offered him a smile before going “okay! I’ll go get the TV set up and grab some snacks, come to the living room when you're ready!” and waving and then promptly sinking out, which he’s gotta say is exhausting and he should not be doing it in his already exhausted state, but it was whatever and if he was actually going to stop for a time was anybody’s guess.

He quickly grabbed some snacks for them from the kitchen once he rose up into the living room and grabbed a couple blankets and just got set up in general, though he didn’t make any move to find a movie yet, he waited for Janus to say what movie he wanted to watch since patton did say he could choose because honestly Patton might end up falling asleep and Janus shouldn’t have to watch a movie he doesn’t like while patton's asleep.

After a couple minutes of waiting after getting everything ready, Janus emerged, shifting uncomfortably as he stood around, kind of like Virgil did before Thomas and the others accepted him, that comparison kind of actually scared patton. after another moment patton motioned to the couch in silent invitation, which Janus took up and sat down on the other end of the couch, honestly Janus seemed to of devolved from his usual facade, even as he sat down he was holding himself nervously and was- well he was reminding Patton so much of old virgil it was concerning, he didn’t want to intrude on asking if something happened though, they weren't really close as friends yet, but he did want to let Janus know he was there for him somehow.. he took a small unnoticeable breath before turning to Janus and asking “which movie would you Like?”

Janus thought about it for a moment “what about the greatest showman? It has good songs, though the showman is an awful person,” He said, the first bit hesitantly, and while he himself knew the reason why he was being like this (though he thought it wasn’t as noticeable) was because he was making sure to be on guard as to not blurt out anything or accidentally say something that would either beckon questions from Patton or make him concerned, though he was failing at not making patton concerned,

Because, Patton though, Patton didn’t know, he didn’t know one bit, and he was worried for Janus, he had never seen Janus act like this and he just seemed constantly nervous and he didn’t really know what to do, after all, Janus may not even want to talk to patton about it. 

Patton gave Janus a small smile as he turned the movie on, getting comfy and offering Janus a blanket and he didn’t know why but as Janus accepted it from patton’s hand he seemed to give a small longing look, and Patton didn’t know if he had misread the look or something else because what could he be yearning for?

He didn’t know, and he doubted thinking about it would come any good so he just discontinued thinking about it, but one of the things he instead thought of was that Janus was so comfy and Patton wanted cuddles- but then he had to internally scold himself once again because he didn’t want Janus to be uncomfortable with Patton because he didn’t like cuddles or hugs, Janus deserved to have his boundaries respected after all.

After a moment he just began cozying up into the couch, and, deciding that janus’s presence really  _ was  _ comforting, even just having him  _ there,  _ as the seconds went by he started getting sleepy and his eyelids grew heavier, though he kept his eyes on the screen, and honestly yeah he had to admit just being in the _ same room _ with Janus made him happy and content.

And honestly no one could blame him for when he just.. rested his eyes for a minute, and then promptly fell asleep.

Janus noticed and after carefully checking to make sure patton's back wouldn’t hurt when he woke up and he wasn’t cold, Janus just quickly began paying full attention to the movie that was playing again, semi-contently sitting back into the couch, happy to listen to the beautiful songs and choreography. 

—-

It was maybe a half hour or so Later when patton woke up, though he didn't know, it could’ve been a full hour, but Patton knew some time had indeed passed as he woke up placed to lean back on the couch and not slouch forward on the couch arm,

He also knew some time had passed because Janus was crying.

And from the look of it he was unaware of it, just zoned out and seemingly captivated by the screen with tears running down his cheeks, and after a paralyzed moment of just.. staring at Janus, he lurched forward, “what happened? Is something wrong? Do you need anything?” He asked in abrupt, sleepy concern, though he felt himself waking up more at just the sight of poor Janus crying.

Janus just pointed shakily to the screen (in which one of the scenes where charity and barnum were hugging and just being happy before barnum was a trash human being) and just shakily mumbled out “I want that” And while even Janus himself doesn’t seem to really realize he’s crying or even saying these things, maybe he hasn’t slept in a while either- but regardless, even if Janus can’t seem to notice, Patton can, and Patton does, Patton notices how janus’s voice is filled with sorrow and just nothing short of pain and how it becomes cracked from tears.

And Pattons vision flickers to the tv, which he notices is paused, but he doesn’t seem to really get it just yet, just asking again, softer, “what do you need, hun?” He said, trying to coax out Janus because it seemed if it was enough to make  _ him _ cry then it wasn’t something he wanted but rather something he indeed very much needed and he wanted to see if he could help out the scaled side.

Janus just seemed to sob a tiny bit louder, which in turn shocked himself for a second because he didn’t realize he was being as loud as he was (though the others fortunately couldn’t hear) and after another second he seemed to finally process he had both been crying and that Patton caught him crying and  _ wanted to help _ .

Which part surprised him more was anybody’s guess, but after a moment though he just started sobbing more, now incredibly embarrassed but also just not knowing how to stop in the moment and he tried to speak and communicate with Patton nonetheless despite his nose and eyes being red and despite him being miserable from the sobs racking his body “I- i want- I’m sorry I just I want- I haven’t had a hug in so long-“ he stammered out after a lot more effort than he would’ve liked to admit.

and despite patton's growing confusion he didn’t waste a second in lunging forward and wrapping up Janus in his arms, feeling as Janus went stiff but ultimately ended up melting into a puddle against Patton, hiding his face in Patton’s shirt as he tried to stop crying, he didn’t know why but he couldn’t get himself to stop crying, he didn’t know if something in him had just broke and never wanted to be put away again or what, because while Pattons soft murmurs of “it'll be alright i know it might not feel like it but i promise it will,” did help it definitely didn’t stop it completely like janus would’ve wanted.

After maybe five minute Patton pulls away slightly- and after seeing how instantly more distraught Janus is once he does he makes sure to still have a grasp on Janus for Janus’s comfort before he sat down against the couch more comfortably, because unfortunately while Patton would want to sit with Janus and give him all the affection the way they were hugging hurt his knees and they were slowly going numb so he settled into the cushions contently, so after getting his legs from under him and making sure they wouldn’t cramp he gently pulled Janus back into his arms and just let Janus melt all over again as patton held him securely. 

And then, Janus continued to just sob into patton's shirt, and Patton still doesn’t know why necessarily, having only gotten pretty vague small hints and explanations by a tearful too-upset-to-really-communicate-effectively janus, but regardless he holds him and after a moment of realizing Janus  _ needs  _ to get this out he just makes sure Janus feels safe as he cries and once the tears finally seem to end patton quickly summons a bottle of water and opens it for Janus so if janus’s limbs did feel strained from the exhaustion of those emotions all he had to do was hold it, which he did, and he quickly took a big couple gulps before just laying back in patton's arms again, obviously utterly exhausted, and Patton decided that they both needed a nap so he took the water and set it down before setting up pillows and grabbing blankets and just, getting ready to rest while also making sure Janus was comfortable, 

It took a couple minutes but Patton was able to get comfortable on the couch with Janus curled into his chest, and the two were able to rest, and luckily Janus didn’t seem to be too opposed to the idea of a cuddly nap.

and when they both woke up if Janus was up for it they would talk, and Patton would make sure Janus was okay, or at least better then before, and hopefully get Janus to go to either Patton or someone else for comfort or just cuddles, so he had moral support and care because Patton was really concerned for his newer friend.

And with that semi-planned plan in mind he closed his eyes and allowed himself to fall asleep once again, happily giving Janus cuddles as he indeed fell asleep and within minutes Janus followed in suit, practically using Patton as a pillow as he fell asleep on patton's Chest, content and warm, honestly Janus didn’t really expect this to be the result when Patton asked him to watch a movie with him but he was fine with it regardless, he may not have  _ loved  _ the crying bit but it turned out more alright then he really expected it would’ve and he was content.


	3. the good end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton and Janus wake up and talk

Patton was the first to wake up, and at first he’s blinking slowly, confused and groggy and trying to remember why Janus was curled up against his chest looking  _ small, _ it ended up taking several minutes but eventually he woke up  _ just enough _ to remember the thing that happened a couple hours prior, though honestly even once he was awake enough to remember he still doesn't know what to do, he knew he wanted to help janus but he still didn't know what to do, or how to do it.

He knew at glance that there was no way in  _ hell  _ that he would wake up Janus because in just the glance he could see the eye bags that were looking like they were going to try and challenge virgil’s, and he knew that Janus needed the added energy after the breakdown, and Janus looked almost blissful right now, so without patton waking him up he was gonna sleep longer.

So he guessed he had time to think about what he was gonna do.

What  _ was  _ he going to do?

He knew some things, or- partly knew them,

First; Janus was crying, second; he reacted strongly when Patton had to move away from him even a bit, three; he seemed to both sob harder and also calm down when Patton had broughten him closer.

All in all, he still didn’t know what was going on, he could try to guess but he didn’t think he should in case he tried to help with the wrong thing.

Janus was his friend though, and he wanted to help him, even if it was really hard and confusing at the moment.

  
he sighed before holding Janus closer, resting his chin on janus’s head

Well he supposed the only thing he could do was continue and try to think on what he’d say when Janus woke up and they talked, because they  _ did _ have to talk, no matter how awkward it might be.

———

Patton honestly, had almost fallen asleep again, but when Janus began shifting where he laid against his chest patton was 100% awake instantaneously, keeping a concerned eye on Janus as he moves and burrowed his scaled face further into patton's pajama shirt and held onto it tightly. 

and Patton thought he may end up falling back asleep but instead just a couple minutes later he all but freezes and slowly squeezes patton's shirt and pulls his face away, wearing a panicked expression on his face as he seems to try put stuff together with his sleep addled brain.

Then Janus drops the small piece of patton's shirt he’d been holding as a sleepy comfort and almost falls off the couch in surprise, the only thing stopping him was patton's panicked attempt of grabbing him and trying to make it so he doesn’t fall and hit the coffee table, 

He tried his best to pull him back into the couch before backing away, leaving Janus with the warmed side of the couch so he could be more comfortable, and after that patton waited a little bit in silence so janus didn't have to talk right after waking up, but once the ten to twenty minutes passed he realized that this might be worse for anxiety so Patton took a breath and began speaking.

“Okay janus, first things first, are you alright?” Patton asked and received a mixture of nodding and shaking his head from Janus before finally he just looked down and that ended up giving Patton the most honest answer “alright Jan, okay.. then second, we need to talk about whatever happened- but! Don't worry. It won’t be forced to happen right now if you are too anxious or stressed and just know no ones mad at you and you don’t have to be embarrassed!” he told him, not really knowing how janus is feeling so just trying his best to help.

Janus looked at him, wondering how this happened, Well at least Patton was being nice and about this whole thing, even if he was wrong on one accord, he did need to be embarrassed because this happened to  _ him  _ and that's embarrassing because he makes sure nothing like this ever happens to him, and it did. But regardless even if janus was partially terrified and wholly embarrassed he just took a deep breath and went “it’s…  _ fine _ , we can discuss it now if you wish.” 

Patton gave him a sympathetic smile and Janus's stomach tied its-self into knots, which up until now he didn’t understand how accurate the phrase was to the actual feeling.

“Alright janus, will do, first off, I honestly don’t know and haven’t been able to put together  _ most  _ of what happened, but regardless of if I know or understand, I want to  _ help, _ ”

Patton told him, determination in his voice but he did his Best to be as calming as possible to try and help Janus, because even though he said it was fine to do it now he was pretty sure it would still help to be gentle with the subject.

Janus just continued looking at him before looking at his lap, wanting desperately to of had the brains to bring his gloves so he could fiddle with them, it normally helped soothe his nerves, but no he had left them in his room thinking he wouldn’t need them, and now he can’t go get them because  _ how would that look _ , so he just sat there for a moment, honestly though he was surprised Patton wanted to help, even if he didn’t know what he was helping with, it.. was nice, to have Patton care, or at least care enough to try and help.

So after a minute he pulled his knees up to his chest before speaking, “you know how Virgil was touch starved for a long while?” He asked simply, ignoring the urge to get defensive and explain that Virgil wasn’t and would most likely never have been comfortable in the darkscape with them enough to let them help. At Patton little encouraging nod he continued “so, umm-’” great _ such eloquent words _ -“despite what you would think Remus isn’t the biggest on touch, so what do you get with one person who isn’t the biggest on touch and the other person who isn’t comfortable with touch from you?”

Patton seemed to be thinking about it, his hand cupping his chin, subconsciously mimicking Logan, after a moment though he looked up to Janus, his mouth opening slightly in sympathetic sorrow “I would guess 2 or 3 touch starved people” he told him.

Janus just looked away, his hands hiding as they stress fiddled with the hems of his pajama pants.

Janus only looked back when he heard Patton's voice just softly go “o- _ oh honey”  _ and when he did look back patton looked absolutely heartbroken, for what Janus knew- or assumed wasn’t the first time.

“Actually it’s funny I was perfectly fine for some 30 years becuase I assumed I wasn’t touch starved- power of denial I presume, and l just recently figured it out while everyone was working and gone- funny isn’t it?” He began ranting, his tone starting to border on hysterical so he stopped himself from talking the best he could, which was a good call, after all what good things have come from his conversing? nothing.

And Patton had already been fighting the urge to wrap his arms around Janus incase it overwhelmed him but honestly the urge was getting really hard to fight as Janus went on, 

So after a minute of silence following Janus's rant Patton just quietly went “Janus if it’s alright I might hug you now.” And waited for a response because he had decided Janus was gonna end up being a part of his family when he was first waking up and was very keen on keeping that decision and helping out his family, especially when they looked like they couldn’t process ‘ _ why’ _ he would want to hug them.

But regardless Janus nodded, even if slowly and it looked more like a question, so Patton practically threw himself onto him in an awkward-ish hug, making Janus freeze for just a moment before taking a breath and shifting so the somewhat one sided hug would be less awkward angled.

Eventually it worked out enough where Janus was cuddled once again against Patton's side and Pattons arms were wrapped solidly around him.

“You know it’s very possible I might never let you go,” Patton told him.

“That would be absolutely  _ appalling _ ” Janus replied, planting himself further in Patton's side. 

Patton giggled “aww ‘you actually soft?” Patton teased, smiling, he was glad that the touch-starvation-and-how-to-help powerpoint logan put together shortly after the virgil touch starvation discovery would help not only one person, but two! 

And possibly three, he might have to end up asking someone if they can check in Remus because he kind of still scares Patton but Patton wants to see if he's okay.

But regardless, today was definitely a good end, at least for the most part, 

Janus was gonna be okay and hopefully not break down while watching the greatest showman again.

Patton was gonna make sure of it, he was gonna be okay, everything was gonna be okay.

It was a good end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! its finished!
> 
> only took like 2-4 months-


End file.
